Why this abiding feeling of all gone lost
Life
This uninvited existence
A mystery, a delight, an imposition and a gift
A unidirectional motion towards a dream
To reach some hazy end
Struggle for some source by which to thrive
Fountains of the divine
Consistently flipping over contradictions
and tripping over our own feet
Life as a great unfolding.
Melting once-future clouds with now's arriving motion.
Disabled by legions of distortions
Fumbling decisions forged from half-understandings.
Gathered from shattered fragments.
Stained by hurt, disappointment and deception.
Misruled by unreliable egos.
How, through the darkness, you shine
Your siren's call to love
Calling forth into this weakness
To equal the divine
Pledging constant presence
Sufficient to supply
Infused into this dry
Tiny drops of light
Sublimate my core
But how abundance can seem so meagre
With abandonment that is so slow
When hesitance trumps faith
And courage hardly flows
For the pity of love
A greedy soul wants
Will it always feel
Like something is wrong
Of promises still to come
When all is right here
What does it mean
To be sated by you
Not to struggle anymore
with life's strange forces
and to be just so
that doing can flow
the night around us all
transformed by punctured souls
And this beautiful
demon shredded place
be given just some space
the bloom of a goodness
intentionally planted a long time ago
to light up hope
and the ancient weaves
that echo out of you
I'm not the first
I'm not the last
That wonder
where you are
and struggle to hold
when the absence feels so strong
within an obvious banquet
but unable to digest
this hunger still persists
with patience almost fled
faith glows low
doubt contaminates the love
Argh God
Why is simplicity so hard
and right so weak
When such foolishness abounds
Do I have to forgive you God
for not living down to my expectations
but holding high the promise
unreachable it seems
of relating right with you
and living life divine
So wash me Lord
and save me well
stick these feet on solid rocks
a cavern in which to hide
lights on that path
provisioned and resourced
internal and all around
to be and do
just like you
in open skies all round
on a broad, open space
where gratitude runs free
abundance Lord
and free
alive.
Note: This was just a prayer contemplation that required not sitting down or my usual going for a walk prayer. I needed to work the words best splicing the internal contradictions of me feeling God needs forgiveness for the messy way life's design works out in practice. But, secretly knowing it is me that need forgiveness.