Lord Jesus, son of the sole Father and womb of the divine Spirit.

Why this abiding feeling of all gone lost

Life

This uninvited existence

A mystery, a delight, an imposition and a gift

A unidirectional motion towards a dream

To reach some hazy end

Struggle for some source by which to thrive

Fountains of the divine

Consistently flipping over contradictions

and tripping over our own feet

Life as a great unfolding.

Melting once-future clouds with now's arriving motion.

Disabled by legions of distortions

Fumbling decisions forged from half-understandings.

Gathered from shattered fragments.

Stained by hurt, disappointment and deception.

Misruled by unreliable egos.

How, through the darkness, you shine

Your siren's call to love

Calling forth into this weakness

To equal the divine

Pledging constant presence

Sufficient to supply

Infused into this dry

Tiny drops of light

Sublimate my core

But how abundance can seem so meagre

With abandonment that is so slow

When hesitance trumps faith

And courage hardly flows

For the pity of love

A greedy soul wants

Will it always feel

Like something is wrong

Of promises still to come

When all is right here

What does it mean

To be sated by you

Not to struggle anymore

with life's strange forces

and to be just so

that doing can flow

the night around us all

transformed by punctured souls

And this beautiful

demon shredded place

be given just some space

the bloom of a goodness

intentionally planted a long time ago

to light up hope

and the ancient weaves

that echo out of you

I'm not the first

I'm not the last

That wonder

where you are

and struggle to hold

when the absence feels so strong

within an obvious banquet

but unable to digest

this hunger still persists

with patience almost fled

faith glows low

doubt contaminates the love

Argh God

Why is simplicity so hard

and right so weak

When such foolishness abounds

Do I have to forgive you God

for not living down to my expectations

but holding high the promise

unreachable it seems

of relating right with you

and living life divine

So wash me Lord

and save me well

stick these feet on solid rocks

a cavern in which to hide

lights on that path

provisioned and resourced

internal and all around

to be and do

just like you

in open skies all round

on a broad, open space

where gratitude runs free

abundance Lord

and free

alive.


Note: This was just a prayer contemplation that required not sitting down or my usual going for a walk prayer. I needed to work the words best splicing the internal contradictions of me feeling God needs forgiveness for the messy way life's design works out in practice. But, secretly knowing it is me that need forgiveness.

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